my anxiety

16169_206256186934_6834191_nThere is that violin showing me I am about to open up the chambers and allow what hurts to express.

I just want to be as important as I put you in my world. Why do I try so hard when this world has always only given half back. Why do I expect the unexpected and hope I have hit the end of my rainbow finally. In the day I chase this rainbow and smile lots, to even words that don’t sound funny, I laugh in hopes I have hit the unexpected. I have only scratched the surface of what really is. So carry on I will, I will.
Why do I feel so alone when in reality I could easily be the girl with a million friends in a room. Have I closed these doors? I did. I am terrified of what I have learned, believed or dreamed in. I will fail…..but at the cost of my own fear. I know giving all I have would easily give me my dreams, and that is every aspect. Does my fear act as a cover for anxiety? When I have all these things you will free our pain, your heart will be beating a million beats per minute in awe of your amazing recovery. Your veins will un cripple and slowly your every current will show you who you are. You will be forced to feel.
My fear of unknown has closed many doors. Am I scarred to let go because now another? A not planned another to be brought in… where will she fit? Now to figure out the part of the puzzle that she is in, and make it all combine. I’ll take you along with, my little miss, just still getting to know you…

That anger spills and boils royal red and explodes on you like a volcanic eruption only nature can create. This is in my nature, and I am looking at the marks of it all over you. Do you feel my emotions on you? Are you of my kind? Can you sense the feelings? Are you timed? Have you become heartless and not seeing the signs? I wear my sign and spell large, clearly you read my language? I feel that there is so much more to say, but until you can follow even the most easiest of roads I have paved, I will silently continue to build the anger felt…. and wait for another anticipated explosion. Maybe this will be the one that changes you.

I have no other way to speak of my inner emotions. This metaphorical land of craziness is what I understand and how I typically speak to myself subconsciously. Cheers!


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About honestybroad

I am a magic soul who dreams and lives for what the suns shadows can cast in the blackest of spaces. I am passionate about our earth and all creatures in it. I am a person of many different colors and love to show every color brightly and proudly. PROUDLY. I am who I am, and have many deep set wounds from past battles. I am dramatic, chaotic, caring, daring, loving, emotional, busy, cheerful, strong but weak for the weak. I am a mother, I am motherless, and constantly question if what I am doing is right. I cry lots, yell often, debate my every thought, and laugh so hard my smile lines are becoming more embedded into my skin just like my father. My father is my heart, and has taught me more lessons about strength through his life stories then he will ever know. I have been the woman who was abused, cheated on and let down in love. I have been the teenage mother, the high school dropout, and the one living off the government. I have faced many demons, walked on the darker side of life and refused a candle. I have thought about suicide and then have been at the losing end to someone who meant it. I have yelled into the cold freezing night for help, only to say I tried, but not really, and enjoy my pity party. I have lied, sworn, and tore every street I walked down, up and then into flames. I have placed blame and denied any part of it. I hold on to more then I should and worry for the worst. I have lost my faith and regained my own. I have gained love and light through my past pain. I have opened my heart to new things, and became at peace with who I am. I struggle daily to hold my head up, but lately, the struggle isn't so much anymore. I have learned to live without my sweet losses sickness has took. My commitment, constancy, allegiance and devotion is immeasurable and eternity for my fiancé. He is my safe and warm, my breath, my crazy and a million other amazing things. He has changed me, without knowing he changed me, and still loved me. The family, friends and fur babies I have here on earth, I love more then the strum of a guitar string.. or the first note sung. Music and writing is my world and is how I express myself. I see myself as a feather on the glide. The current of my world changes so very rapidly, so I have learned to swim. I have so many different chapters to my book that listing them all is just keep reading. I put mascara and pink lipstick on when I am down, somehow this helps, and I feel my Aunt's soul in me for the rest of the day. I want to reach out, I want to help, and want to inspire. I take my dreams and believe them, I dance them, and I sing them. I love myself more often then not these days and smile when I look in the mirror.

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