I can not prepare.

here it comes, the feeling of something derailed and on coming into my life. The sadness weakens me to a state of numb… I don’t think about it anymore, and when I do it is as if it is in a distance. This only lasts until the sun shines again. I again put miles under my heart and race to the night fall, where it all hits me again like a force field. Do you hear me understanding universe?
With his sad eyes, and my matching hazel, we joke as if nothing is wrong… but the man that sits across from me is no longer that strong, confident man, here sits a sickly skinny, worried looking man, who is constantly trying to make everything make perfect sense, and be the living proof he is right.

I hope you are right my sweet father. I am unsure how to conversate things and I am sorry for that. I can’t imagine you being gone away from me. This has been my biggest childhood fear. I pretend everything is ok too… but these days, I paint my eyes the darkest shade of black and cry into the night. Am I soon to be an orphan? A 27 year old orphan yes. I still need you, Mum has left early, so that meant you have to stay longer ….right? 

We will find out soon, until then…. until then….I cannot prepare.

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

About honestybroad

I am a magic soul who dreams and lives for what the suns shadows can cast in the blackest of spaces. I am passionate about our earth and all creatures in it. I am a person of many different colors and love to show every color brightly and proudly. PROUDLY. I am who I am, and have many deep set wounds from past battles. I am dramatic, chaotic, caring, daring, loving, emotional, busy, cheerful, strong but weak for the weak. I am a mother, I am motherless, and constantly question if what I am doing is right. I cry lots, yell often, debate my every thought, and laugh so hard my smile lines are becoming more embedded into my skin just like my father. My father is my heart, and has taught me more lessons about strength through his life stories then he will ever know. I have been the woman who was abused, cheated on and let down in love. I have been the teenage mother, the high school dropout, and the one living off the government. I have faced many demons, walked on the darker side of life and refused a candle. I have thought about suicide and then have been at the losing end to someone who meant it. I have yelled into the cold freezing night for help, only to say I tried, but not really, and enjoy my pity party. I have lied, sworn, and tore every street I walked down, up and then into flames. I have placed blame and denied any part of it. I hold on to more then I should and worry for the worst. I have lost my faith and regained my own. I have gained love and light through my past pain. I have opened my heart to new things, and became at peace with who I am. I struggle daily to hold my head up, but lately, the struggle isn't so much anymore. I have learned to live without my sweet losses sickness has took. My commitment, constancy, allegiance and devotion is immeasurable and eternity for my fiancé. He is my safe and warm, my breath, my crazy and a million other amazing things. He has changed me, without knowing he changed me, and still loved me. The family, friends and fur babies I have here on earth, I love more then the strum of a guitar string.. or the first note sung. Music and writing is my world and is how I express myself. I see myself as a feather on the glide. The current of my world changes so very rapidly, so I have learned to swim. I have so many different chapters to my book that listing them all is impossible..so just keep reading. I put mascara and pink lipstick on when I am down, somehow this helps, and I feel my Aunt's soul in me for the rest of the day. I want to reach out, I want to help, and want to inspire. I take my dreams and believe them, I dance them, and I sing them. I love myself more often then not these days and smile when I look in the mirror.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: