I can not prepare.
here it comes, the feeling of something derailed and on coming into my life. The sadness weakens me to a state of numb… I don’t think about it anymore, and when I do it is as if it is in a distance. This only lasts until the sun shines again. I again put miles under my heart and race to the night fall, where it all hits me again like a force field. Do you hear me understanding universe?
With his sad eyes, and my matching hazel, we joke as if nothing is wrong… but the man that sits across from me is no longer that strong, confident man, here sits a sickly skinny, worried looking man, who is constantly trying to make everything make perfect sense, and be the living proof he is right.
I hope you are right my sweet father. I am unsure how to conversate things and I am sorry for that. I can’t imagine you being gone away from me. This has been my biggest childhood fear. I pretend everything is ok too… but these days, I paint my eyes the darkest shade of black and cry into the night. Am I soon to be an orphan? A 27 year old orphan yes. I still need you, Mum has left early, so that meant you have to stay longer ….right?
We will find out soon, until then…. until then….I cannot prepare.