Archive | November 2013

my anxiety

16169_206256186934_6834191_nThere is that violin showing me I am about to open up the chambers and allow what hurts to express.

I just want to be as important as I put you in my world. Why do I try so hard when this world has always only given half back. Why do I expect the unexpected and hope I have hit the end of my rainbow finally. In the day I chase this rainbow and smile lots, to even words that don’t sound funny, I laugh in hopes I have hit the unexpected. I have only scratched the surface of what really is. So carry on I will, I will.
Why do I feel so alone when in reality I could easily be the girl with a million friends in a room. Have I closed these doors? I did. I am terrified of what I have learned, believed or dreamed in. I will fail…..but at the cost of my own fear. I know giving all I have would easily give me my dreams, and that is every aspect. Does my fear act as a cover for anxiety? When I have all these things you will free our pain, your heart will be beating a million beats per minute in awe of your amazing recovery. Your veins will un cripple and slowly your every current will show you who you are. You will be forced to feel.
My fear of unknown has closed many doors. Am I scarred to let go because now another? A not planned another to be brought in… where will she fit? Now to figure out the part of the puzzle that she is in, and make it all combine. I’ll take you along with, my little miss, just still getting to know you…

That anger spills and boils royal red and explodes on you like a volcanic eruption only nature can create. This is in my nature, and I am looking at the marks of it all over you. Do you feel my emotions on you? Are you of my kind? Can you sense the feelings? Are you timed? Have you become heartless and not seeing the signs? I wear my sign and spell large, clearly you read my language? I feel that there is so much more to say, but until you can follow even the most easiest of roads I have paved, I will silently continue to build the anger felt…. and wait for another anticipated explosion. Maybe this will be the one that changes you.

I have no other way to speak of my inner emotions. This metaphorical land of craziness is what I understand and how I typically speak to myself subconsciously. Cheers!

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I can not prepare.

here it comes, the feeling of something derailed and on coming into my life. The sadness weakens me to a state of numb… I don’t think about it anymore, and when I do it is as if it is in a distance. This only lasts until the sun shines again. I again put miles under my heart and race to the night fall, where it all hits me again like a force field. Do you hear me understanding universe?
With his sad eyes, and my matching hazel, we joke as if nothing is wrong… but the man that sits across from me is no longer that strong, confident man, here sits a sickly skinny, worried looking man, who is constantly trying to make everything make perfect sense, and be the living proof he is right.

I hope you are right my sweet father. I am unsure how to conversate things and I am sorry for that. I can’t imagine you being gone away from me. This has been my biggest childhood fear. I pretend everything is ok too… but these days, I paint my eyes the darkest shade of black and cry into the night. Am I soon to be an orphan? A 27 year old orphan yes. I still need you, Mum has left early, so that meant you have to stay longer ….right? 

We will find out soon, until then…. until then….I cannot prepare.

Let my dreams come true

  Today I woke, to the same feeling I have been feeling for a long time…”What can I do to get to the ultimate goal?” You see, I have this image in my head, this dream, and it is so vivid and real! I have dreamt of being able to reach out to people sense the moment my Mother and Father bought me that karaoke machine with a  “Tasmanian Devil” on it! I remember singing “Alvin and the chipmunks” as loud as I could, and “Billy Ray Cyrus” songs and thinking I was right along side of them. I feel free once I open up my soul and let the music take me away!

  What does it mean to dream and dream so big, but always have an obstacle in the way? Is that just an excuse or is it all part of my journey? Some days I am half empty, some days I am half full and just want to get out of this maze.   

  One thing is for sure, I have made many friends, and learned some very important lessons along the way, so for right now, I will just be grateful and keep trying.

 

Singing a Tim and Faith song.

Singing a Tim and Faith song.

Sang this for fun as it reminds me of my relationship with my fiancé.

This is who I am.. and I probably forgot some along the way.

True blue and many other colors! I am a magic soul who dreams and lives for what the suns shadows can cast in the blackest of spaces. I am passionate about our earth and all creatures in it. I am a person of many different colors and love to show every color brightly and proudly. PROUDLY. I am who I am, and have many deep set wounds from past battles. I am dramatic, chaotic, caring, daring, loving, emotional, busy, cheerful, strong but weak for the weak. I am a mother, I am motherless, and constantly question if what I am doing is right. I cry lots, yell often, debate my every thought, and laugh so hard my smile lines are becoming more embedded into my skin just like my father. My father is my heart, and has taught me more lessons about strength through his life stories then he will ever know.  I have been the woman who was abused, cheated on and let down in love. I have been the teenage mother, the high school dropout, and the one living off the government. I have faced many demons, walked on the darker side of life and refused a candle. I have thought about suicide and then have been at the losing end to someone who meant it. I have yelled into the cold freezing night for help, only to say I tried, but not really, and enjoy my pity party. I have lied, sworn, and tore every street I walked down, up and then into flames. I have placed blame and denied any part of it. I hold on to more then I should and worry for the worst. I have lost my faith and regained my own. I have gained love and light through my past pain. I have opened my heart to new things, and became at peace with who I am. I struggle daily to hold my head up, but lately, the struggle isn’t so much anymore.  I have learned to live without my sweet losses sickness has took. My commitment, constancy, allegiance and devotion is immeasurable and eternity for my fiancé. He is my safe and warm, my breath, my crazy and a million other amazing things. He has changed me, without knowing he changed me, and still loved me. The family, friends and fur babies I have here on earth, I love more then the strum of a guitar string.. or the first note sung. Music and writing is my world and is how I express myself. I see myself as a feather on the glide. The current of my world changes so very rapidly, so I have learned to swim. I have so many different chapters to my book that listing them all is impossible..so just keep reading. I put mascara and pink lipstick on when I am down, somehow this helps, and I feel my Aunt’s soul in me for the rest of the day.  I want to reach out, I want to help, and want to inspire. I take my dreams and believe them, I dance them, and I sing them. I love myself more often then not these days and smile when I look in the mirror.

Animals have right too? Don’t they?

Well good morning everyone,

   As I woke this morning, I did the usual “facebook stalk” in my news feed to see what’s happening in the world. As I scrolled through I seen yet another post about animal abuse. This little fur victim’s name was Breezy. He was beat with a shovel and a rake then tossed into a dumpster somewhere in Ottawa ( Canada). 
  What is happening in society, and in peoples minds to commit such crimes? These are crimes are they not?! A living being, with a beating heart, eyes that see, and a creature that feels pain just like you and I alike. How can such brutal things be happening, and authority not be taking it much more seriously? In my ( non expert) opinion, I feel like people who have the mentality to hurt something so helpless are the people we need to be taking off the streets and be worried about!

Speak for those who can’t speak for themselves!

Don’t know if I should be worried. Having elderly parents is never easy,

so basically I brought my father who means the world to me and more, to live with myself and my family out west. Sense we have landed that plane there has been issues. Today at the doctor they tell him he “Does not look right” and “looks like something very wrong. It looks like Cancer sir”
Truth, he’s lived a crazy life, one that a book should be written about. He has struggled with addictions, gambling and partied like a rock star until he was 70!He is 72 now and is beginning to see he cant live that life style now. My mother passed away and he then went on to another woman, whom he never loved mike my mother, but loved her as a friend. she just died last month.  My father is reminding me of promises to take his ashes to the homeland, and chats about not being able to have him forever, and to be honest? I am loosing my mind! I’m pregnant, emotional, and this is killing me. He’s all I got left.

My father is a tough case, and I am so happy that I am here to help him in anyway I can, I’m believe it or not keeping strong ( until I’m alone!) and just want to continue to be that positive spot in his life.

Tests tomorrow, will update as we go along.
Honestybroad