here it comes, the feeling of something derailed and on coming into my life. The sadness weakens me to a state of numb… I don’t think about it anymore, and when I do it is as if it is in a distance. This only lasts until the sun shines again. I again put miles under my heart and race to the night fall, where it all hits me again like a force field. Do you hear me understanding universe?
With his sad eyes, and my matching hazel, we joke as if nothing is wrong… but the man that sits across from me is no longer that strong, confident man, here sits a sickly skinny, worried looking man, who is constantly trying to make everything make perfect sense, and be the living proof he is right.
I hope you are right my sweet father. I am unsure how to conversate things and I am sorry for that. I can’t imagine you being gone away from me. This has been my biggest childhood fear. I pretend everything is ok too… but these days, I paint my eyes the darkest shade of black and cry into the night. Am I soon to be an orphan? A 27 year old orphan yes. I still need you, Mum has left early, so that meant you have to stay longer ….right?
We will find out soon, until then…. until then….I cannot prepare.
Today I woke, to the same feeling I have been feeling for a long time…”What can I do to get to the ultimate goal?” You see, I have this image in my head, this dream, and it is so vivid and real! I have dreamt of being able to reach out to people sense the moment my Mother and Father bought me that karaoke machine with a “Tasmanian Devil” on it! I remember singing “Alvin and the chipmunks” as loud as I could, and “Billy Ray Cyrus” songs and thinking I was right along side of them. I feel free once I open up my soul and let the music take me away!
What does it mean to dream and dream so big, but always have an obstacle in the way? Is that just an excuse or is it all part of my journey? Some days I am half empty, some days I am half full and just want to get out of this maze.
One thing is for sure, I have made many friends, and learned some very important lessons along the way, so for right now, I will just be grateful and keep trying.
Well good morning everyone,
As I woke this morning, I did the usual “facebook stalk” in my news feed to see what’s happening in the world. As I scrolled through I seen yet another post about animal abuse. This little fur victim’s name was Breezy. He was beat with a shovel and a rake then tossed into a dumpster somewhere in Ottawa ( Canada).
What is happening in society, and in peoples minds to commit such crimes? These are crimes are they not?! A living being, with a beating heart, eyes that see, and a creature that feels pain just like you and I alike. How can such brutal things be happening, and authority not be taking it much more seriously? In my ( non expert) opinion, I feel like people who have the mentality to hurt something so helpless are the people we need to be taking off the streets and be worried about!
Speak for those who can’t speak for themselves!
so basically I brought my father who means the world to me and more, to live with myself and my family out west. Sense we have landed that plane there has been issues. Today at the doctor they tell him he “Does not look right” and “looks like something very wrong. It looks like Cancer sir”
Truth, he’s lived a crazy life, one that a book should be written about. He has struggled with addictions, gambling and partied like a rock star until he was 70!He is 72 now and is beginning to see he cant live that life style now. My mother passed away and he then went on to another woman, whom he never loved mike my mother, but loved her as a friend. she just died last month. My father is reminding me of promises to take his ashes to the homeland, and chats about not being able to have him forever, and to be honest? I am loosing my mind! I’m pregnant, emotional, and this is killing me. He’s all I got left.
My father is a tough case, and I am so happy that I am here to help him in anyway I can, I’m believe it or not keeping strong ( until I’m alone!) and just want to continue to be that positive spot in his life.
Tests tomorrow, will update as we go along.